Thursday, March 31, 2011
Escape From Swaddle Island
This just in. We are receiving reports of an escaped convict from the hellish Swaddle Island. These shocking images below were captured from the baby jail security system, and document the brazen, Houdini-esque escape.
The suspect is described as a pale white male, approximately 24 inches tall, big beady blue eyes and a tenuous amount of reddish hair. Last seen in a deeply-stained onesie and red socks fashioned to look like cowboy boots.
We’ve just received some additional information. Suspect apparently goes by the alias ‘Bub.’ Suspect should be considered unarmed but highly annoying. Should you encounter him, remain calm. Find a medium-sized stick or similar instrument, and use it to carefully roll suspect onto his back. He will flail about helplessly like a cockroach and provide you ample time to phone the authorities. Should suspect be obscenely belligerent, you are well within your citizen rights to subdue him with a fikey. End of transmission.