Sound Bites From the Week (OM NOM OM NOM NOM)

Daddy said if I smile, I get candy. Don't judge me, judgers.

“Mommy? We’re gonna leave the doors open so anyone else can go through okay?”

“By doors do you mean my legs, Bub?”

“Yes. Open your legs, Mommy!”

“Can I touch my privates, Daddy?”

“Why?”

“Because I just want to.”

“I’m cold.”

“No you’re not, Mommy.”

“Um, yes I am.”

“Ohhhhh…why don’t you just go to Daddy?”

“My privates are so soft, Daddy. Did you know that? My privates are SOOOOOOO SOFT!”

Bub: “HP, that’s IT for you. That’s it because you didn’t listen to me.”

“Daddy, can I whack myself? I WHACKED it, Daddy! Did I whack it? I don’t THINK so!”

“Look, Mommy. Mommy, look. Look PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE, Mommy!

“What?”

“I’m touching my privates.”

“Can I see your poop, Daddy?”

“Why do you want to see my poop? Make your own poop.”

“I just wanna see YOUR poop.”

“No.”

“LET ME SEE YOUR POOP, DADDY!”

HP: “Eat. Eeeeeeeat. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat!”

(Perhaps she was hungry)

“Do you see my balls here, Daddy?”

“I sure do.”

“This is my BALLBAG, Daddy. Do you like my ballbag? It’s nice, isn’t it? I said, it’s NICE, Daddy. Isn’t it?”

THE MONOLOGUE

(I’m not too up on my Shakespeare; perhaps it’s from one of the comedies.)

Mommy, do you want to play with crayons? Mommy, the crayons are out. THE CRAYONS ARE OUT, MOMMY! Ohh, let’s see if she’s out. Let’s see if Mommy’s out. Let’s see if she’s just unloaded. (moves to kitchen, whispering now) Mommy is not ready for crayons. Mommy is out of here. Mommy is OUT of the lead! Mommy is unloaded.