The Things We Say

It must be awesome to be our neighbors. To hear what goes on in this household without REALLY knowing what's going on. It's probably way more boring than it sounds. Though it sounds kind of like this:

“You have to suck it. That’s it. Now suck it harder.”

“Can you suck it for me, Mommy?”

“No, you have to suck it yourself. Come here, let me show you. Like this. Now you try.”

“Why aren’t you eating your dinner?”

“Not everything’s a why question, Mommy.”

“I’m riding Daddy’s face! You like that, Daddy?”

“Open your legs, Mommy.”

“How do we ask?”

“Can you open your legs please, Mommy?” Then, “More, Mommy—I can’t get in!”

“Daddy, HP is eating me. Don’t let her eat me!”

“I’m washing my BALLS!”

“I like babies.”

“Oh, that’s sweet. Your sister’s a baby.”

“I EAT babies.”

“We don’t eat babies, Bub.”

“I’m gonna eat HP!”

“No, we don’t eat people.”

“Why we don’t eat people?”

“Because they’re high in cholesterol.”

“Yes, we do. We DO eat people.”

“Eat me, Mommy. EAT ME! WAIT! Don’t gooooo!”

“That’s no way to talk to your mother, Bub.”

“Wanna eat me, Daddy? Why are you laughing? Eat me, Daddy. EAT ME!! I’m food.”