A local two year-old known as Bub has been accused of absconding from his local Chase branch with what is presumed to be a record 34 Dum-Dums.
The brazen caper was pulled off yesterday in broad daylight, just before naptime. It was captured on every single video camera the branch owns, and 13 eyewitnesses have identified him as the perpetrator, including his own father.
“It’s just senseless,” Martin Reeves, manager of the branch said. “I mean, who does such a thing? And WHY?”
“Well, there’s a no-brainer,” Daddy said. “That’s like saying, hey, criminal guy, why did you rob that bank? Wait…”
“I like Dum-Dums,” Bub said. “The red ones, in particular. Just exquisite.”
According to Reeves, Bub reached up from the stroller and slid this note to cashier Eugenia Davis:
“It was polite, yet crude. I felt threatened,” Davis said. “And we do not negotiate with terrorists. I simply followed corporate protocol, and put the Dum-Dums into a bag. With the dye pack, of course.”
“That was a most unpleasant surprise,” Bub said. “Tasted nothing at all like the red ones.”
Authorities are now deciding whether to charge Daddy with abetting in the heist, as he was driving the getaway stroller. Already, Reeves has banned him for life from his branch.
“But the next closest Chase is like four blocks away!” Daddy lamented.
Bub’s 5 month-old sister, HP, who was also along for the ride, is currently being questioned. Though Bub seemed sure she wouldn’t talk for developmental reasons, she did make this statement through her lawyer:
“Ahhhhhhhabbabaaaaaaaba.” Ouch. There goes her slice of the pie.
And in a final, bizarre twist, police are also talking to a “Chick-Fil-A cow of interest” about writing the note. The cow had this to say:
“Mooooo.” Troubling. But not as damning as these pictures, posted to Bub’s Twitter account a mere two hours before the incident, the message "Going through Dum-Dum withdrawal. C'mon, that's a great pun, bitches! #mysteryflavorisalwaysred."