Monday, April 16, 2012

UPDATE: Child’s Sleepwalking Record Awakens Sleep(walk)ing Giant

A Chicago child’s recent amble into infamy has inspired a former champ to put on the sleeping mask and step into the competitive somnambulist ring one more time.

The Chicago lad, known as Bub, raised eyebrows all around the sleeposphere a couple weeks back by notching the record for shortest recorded sleepwalk. His four-step walk of fame bested Johnny “Mad Dog” Madson’s decades-old record of six steps.

Since then, the boy has become the poster child for really short walks. He’s been inundated with endorsement deal offers from the likes of arthritis, painful bunions and even stiletto heels.

“It’s all a little overwhelming,” the head-swelling lad said, “But not entirely unwelcome.”

Not unless your name is Mad Dog, which Mad Dog’s happens to be. The viral video eventually made it to the crevices of the Victorville desert, to a dusty single-wide.

“Looks fake to me,” a haggard-looking Mad Dog said. “The Nanny Cam pixel quality is for shit. That could be any random baby off the street.”

“Well, it’s no Beta Cam, that’s for sure,” Bub quipped. “But if he has a personal vendetta he feels he must see through, so be it. Living with Daddy, I’m quite used to self-destructive conviction.”

“Look, I’m not directly calling him a dirty little cheater,” Mad Dog said, the paused. “Oh wait, yes I am. Why don’t you step out of the crib, punk?”

“This cat is like a giant yellow pit-stain on the Oxford of sleepwalking. And my kid is the Clorox,” Daddy, Bub’s de facto promoter, said. “Bow to our sleepwalking scepter, bitch!”

Never one to shy away from underhanded insults, Mad Dog made it official at a semi-crowded 7-11 near Van Nuys.

“As of today, you can officially consider me un-retired,” he said. And nary a Slurpee was spilled.

Mad Dog quietly walked away from the sleepwalking game back in ’03, when he started sleeping upside down, like Batman. Now, it will take a superhero performance to challenge a man fifty years his junior with a gait a third the length of his.

“I’ll have to start training. I’m not currently in championship form,” he conceded.

Asked how one trains for a sleepwalk-off, he replied, “Two words: Rocky IV montage scene.”

We asked Bub if he had any advice for the challenger: “Try sleeping in a crib, if you think it’s so advantageous. You can borrow my fikey.” Then he added, “Bitch.”

“Big bark from a little doggie,” Mad Dog said. “I could take this chump in my sleep.” By definition, Mad Dog, I’m afraid you’ll have to.

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