Friday, December 9, 2011

Boy's First Haircut Goes Horribly Awry

A young Chicago boy known as Bub faces inevitable derision and untold ridicule after his first haircut left him mirroring a tropical fruit.

“He looks like a pineapple,” one insider said plainly. “A ripe one.” This was recently confirmed by photographic evidence.

“I just tried to take a little off the top,” Daddy said. “But you know how it is, you go a little uneven on one side, then you have to shorten the other side to match. It’s like a zero-sum game.”

“I begged him stop, but he just kept cutting,” Bub said. “He was like, ‘The chicks are gonna dig this, Bub.’ ‘This is way awesomer than the Bieber, Bub. We’ll call it The Bubber.’ Just ridiculous blather. NOW LOOK AT ME!!!”

When shown a picture of ‘The Bubber,’ Daddy said, “Hey, that baby looks like a pineapple.” When told it was in fact his son, he added, “Looks good.”

“I realize this look might be a little fashion-forward for some,” Daddy later said in a statement. “But hey, listen, you can play it safe, give your kid a crew-cut, sure. Or you can exercise your creativity and invent. That’s always been my M.O. as a stylist. So sue me for having vision.”

Having absolutely no background in styling and not even hair of his own on which to practice, critics were quick to call fraud.

“It looks like he used a pair of 2nd grade safety scissors. Left-handed ones. It’s a train wreck,” an anonymous stylist said, adding, “Nothing against pineapples, though. I loved them as a youth.”

The boy’s mother, Mommy, said it wasn’t exactly how she would have cut it, but it’s growing on her.

“I did almost add him to my parfait this morning, though,” she said. “I guess we’re all still getting used to it.” 

Shortly after the picture went viral, Dole contacted the family with a potential TV spot, which Daddy was quick to accept.

“Yes, I’ve seen the teleplay,” Bub said. “It involves wearing a lei and dancing to Mele Kalikimaka. In a word—humiliating.”  

“I don’t know what Bub’s so salty about,” Daddy said. “I gave him an image, and all he does is cry about it. It’s like Dee Snider or Hulk Hogan or Mr. T, right? It’s branding. Those guys can never go back to what they used to look like. They’re stuck with it. It’s become them. It is them. And they’re crying all the way to the bank. The pineapple will become Bub in time. You’re welcome, buddy.”

The commercial begins shooting next week.

In a related story, a disoriented Spongebob Squarepants showed up late last night at Bub and couldn’t figure out why his front door wouldn’t open.

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