Friday, October 21, 2011
Boy Eats Blueberries, Remembers Own Birth
In a huge victory for the floundering purple fruit community, a one year-old boy in Chicago has remembered his own birth after a steady diet of blueberries.
“It was terrible,” the boy known as Bub said. “Imagine the deepest slumber you’ve ever known, dreams of red velvet and tropical breeze. Then turn on the sun and park a dump truck inside your head. And then it’s pretty much like trying to stuff a fully inflated balloon into a pillbox.”
Childbirth--miserable for parents, miserable for newborns. Shocking, indeed. Science today also revealed that concrete is, in fact, very hard.
In a recent study, a gaggle of septuagenarians were given a memory test, then juiced up on blueberries for 12 weeks and given the test again; their scores went up 20%. But nobody thought to give them to a baby, until now.
“Better than acid. It’s like Total Recall and shit,” said Daddy, fidgety, his fingernails a deep violet. “You don’t have like an extra pint on you, do you?”
“The secret is anthocyanins,” said Dr. Hugenerd. “These polyphenols have been shown to reduce memory loss and possibly even stop it before it starts.”
In a related story, a lab technician in Missoula, Montana semi-lost his virginity last night following a particularly vigorous lap dance.
“Blueberries are basically the new gingko biloba,” Hugenerd added.
In an ironic blow to Chinese imports, it seems no one can remember what gingko biloba is. However, a recent survey showed that one in three Americans believed it to be a ninja’s mysterious cloak of invisibility.
Blueberries, of course, date back to Roman orgy times. The CIA used them surreptitiously for decades during its lesser-documented Purple War, but they fell out of mainstream favor in the early 1970s, when hippies started remembering the dumb shit they had done.