Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Baby Requests DNA of Self

In yet another odd twist in an already bizarre case, the baby known only as Bub (now 11 months) has now taken his case to the molecular level by requesting his own DNA.

“The longer I am alive, the clearer it becomes,” Bub said, through a lawyer-issued statement. “I am a switchbirth baby. When you look at all the evidence, it’s clear that I am simply a more evolved being than Daddy. To suggest I am of his seed is illogical, hurtful, and an insult to Darwinism. It would be like suggesting a Vienna sausage begat a grass-fed Argentinian ribeye. Or a gatling gun had a wooden spear baby.”

When confronted with this statement, Daddy said, “Mmmm. Vienna sausages.”

The battle began several months ago when Bub made national headlines by suing his parents for custody of himself, citing numerous parental infractions and oversights.

“Things at home have only deteriorated,” Bub also stated. “Relationships have frayed.”

When asked to clarify, Bub said only, “Hmm, I don’t know how to be tactful about this. Let’s just say that ever since the restraining order incident, he’s been short-wiping me.”

Bub filed for the restraining order, but a judge threw it out on the grounds that Daddy’s presence was still required for diaper changings, feedings, etc. Daddy immediately counter-filed for a restraining order against Bub.

“I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner!” Daddy said. His bliss was short-lived, however, as his attempt at dissolution was shot down by the same judge.

“Can’t blame a Daddy for trying,” Daddy said. Actually, quite a few people did. Protestors stood on his front lawn during this interview, holding signs that read, among other things, ‘Free Baby Bub’ and ‘Daddy Eats It.’ Although mostly peaceful, the occasional breast milk balloon came dangerously close to the porch. Aside from several NC-17 tirades and the occasional threat of charging with an icepick, squash racquet or a brick of frozen tempeh, Daddy took it pretty well.

“Yeah, tough to be a big, independent baby when you can’t stop shitting your pants,” he said. “It’s like he’s got the Ferrari, but he can’t reach the pedals. He needs me. I’m the pedal-pusher. I’m the only friend he’s got.”

“Let me put it this way,” Bub responded in a statement to that statement. “If I were to physically write a dictionary and then you were to open said dictionary and look under the word ‘friend’, not only would you not find a picture of Daddy, you wouldn’t find him under any derivation, conjugation, synonym, root word or any other historical etymological reference ever. I’m sorry Daddy, there’s just no vacancy at my friend hotel.”

When asked who he thought his real Daddy might be, Bub thought for a minute.

“Possibly Alex Rodriguez. This is what I intend to get to the bottom of. And if the judge doesn’t see it my way," he smiled, "there’s always Jerry Springer, bitches.”


  1. Ahahaha! Love it.
    And... I have to tell you, I think I know who his real father is. A man with supple limbs, rhythmic gyrations, a dance teacher of the greatest capacity - the author of... "I Swing My Hips Back and Forth." Of course, he will deny it - finding the implication of necessary action revoting... but there was that one night of sugar-high-cake-eating where he blacked out...