Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Careers That Toddlers Would Totally Suck At

Oh, this? This must have been on my break. I'd totally hire me.

If you’ve ever thought about employing a toddler, you might want to think twice. Check references. And openly discriminate. Based on our experiences, here is a list of jobs for which you can just go ahead and cross them off the list:

Event Planners

“So, Bub, I have no agenda today, for a change. No school, no story time, nothing going on. What should we do? I’m totally open to suggestions.”
“Um, we should probably play.”
“Okay, then what?”
“How about play?”
“Okay, got it. Anything else?”
“Um, drink some juice.”

Appointment Setters

“Hey Bub, do you know what day it is today?”
“Wanna tell me?”
“No, I’m asking. Yesterday was Wednesday and tomorrow is Friday…”
“No, Bub, Wedesday, _______, Friday.”
“Okay, one more clue. You do not have school on this day.”
“No, Bub, yesterday was Wednesday and you DID have school.”
“That’s tomorrow. Also a school day.”
“You got it?”


“Okay, Bub, let’s put this dresser back together. Can you please hand me that hammer?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“It’s too heavy for me.”

Motivational Speaker

“Bub, pull your pants up.”
“I can’t do it.”
“Well, pull up your pull-up first, then pull your pants up.”
“Uhhhhhhhh, I can’t. I can’t do it.”
“Yes, you can. Try again.”
“No, I can’t do it, I just can’t.”

Fact Checker

“So Bub, what did you do at school today?”
“Great, what else did you do?”
“Um, I just played.”
“What did you play with?”
“What kind of toys?”
“Just a lot of toys.”
“I see, and who did you play with?”
“Some kids.”
“Good story.”

Food Critic

“Hey, Bub, how’s the chicken?”
“Uh-huh, and how are those peas you’re not eating?”
“Alright, Daddy’s cooking is on fire. And how about that crusty raisin I found on the floor from a couple days ago and snuck onto your plate?”

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