A local father known as Daddy was
served notice by his infant daughter that his lease was up on the property
formerly (and now legally) referred to as “his side.”
The eviction, filed by the ten
week-old known as HP, comes on the heels of a few short weeks of testy co-habitation.
“I wake up, like, twenty times a
night, with essentially a backpack on, but breathing. Each time a little closer
to the edge,” Daddy said. “She’s like a miniature conquistador. Only much more
ruthless.”
“Well, the word that jumps immediately
to mind is ‘useless,’” HP said. “I mean, I wake Mommy up, she feeds me, changes
me, soothes me. I wake Daddy up, he farts.”
Through her lawyer, Danny
Greenstone, HP is suing for sole custody of the right side of the queen-sized
mattress.
“This guy’s on the right side of
the bed, wrong side of Mother Justice,” Greenstone said. “A squatter on prime
real estate. And let me tell you something, buddy, you’re squatting on the
wrong lawyer!”
“Gross,” Daddy said.
Greenstone was referred by HP’s
brother, Bub, who has kept him busy the last two years.
“Yes, I have two clients,”
Greenstone said. “And let’s just say I’m not canceling any tee times, friends.”
Ironically, the standard ten year
Tempur Pedic warranty does, in fact, cover instances of mattress
Gerrymandering. But since Daddy bought the bed on eBay, the warranty it voided.
“Really? Does this surprise
anyone?” HP said. “The man re-uses my Pampers if they’re ‘not that wet.’”
“It was brand new!” Daddy said. “Plus,
really attractive shipping rates.”
No court date has been set, since
it’s not a real case. In the mean time, Daddy will be sleeping on the couch,
which he also bought on eBay.
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