Thursday, February 23, 2012

Father Finds Shiv Under Crib Mattress, Suspects Foul Play

A local father’s discovery of a crudely-fashioned shiv under his 16 month-old’s mattress led him to draw a chilling yet undeniable conclusion:

“My son wants to shank me,” he said.

The father, Daddy, said he was simply changing the boy’s crib sheet yesterday afternoon when he found the jagged four-inch piece of wood with a duct-taped handle. He immediately phoned the authorities.

The defiant, diminuitive suspect, known as Bub, was taken downtown for questioning.

“Shiv? Is that even a word?” Bub said. “Sure, it’s under my bliv, next to my chiv and right beside my GO F*** A CHIMP!”

Further forensics of the shiv revealed the phrase ‘I Hate Daddy’ scratched into the handle.

“So what?” Bub said. “Lots of people hate Daddy.”

Indeed they do. When asked if he knew of any reason why his son might want to shank him, Daddy said:

“No, but this does explain why the entire first season of Oz showed up on Netflix last week.” 

A subsequent fingerprint dusting of the shiv revealed 87 positive matches to Bub’s tiny digits.

“All right, you got me,” Bub said. “It is my first shanking, after all. I mean, did Jordan make his first jumper?” He then added, “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get O.J. gloves in my size?”

Despite this admission, Officer Levy said there was insufficient evidence to arrest the lad, and he was released.

“Can’t blame a kid for daydreaming,” Officer Levy clarified.

Daddy, donning a t-shirt reading ‘My Own Private Guantanamo,’ begged to differ:

“It’s like you didn’t find a body in the shark’s belly, so you’re just throwing a really hungry, pissed off shark back in the tank!”

In response to the blubbering, an unsympathetic Bub, sporting a teardrop temporary tattoo, simply made a shanking gesture in Daddy’s general direction. 

“Watch your back, Daddy,” he chuckled. “But watch your sides even more.”

Monday, February 20, 2012

Baby Urinates on Stuffed Bear, PETSA Puts Out Bounty

The old adage ‘It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on’ was put to the test by a Chicago baby who allegedly relieved himself on a stuffed animal who was “in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

The baby, known as Bub, allegedly defiled his friend Blue Bear last Sunday during an otherwise routine diaper change.

“All apologies to the Blue Bear clan,” Bub said in a statement. “B.B. and I go way back; he was merely an innocent bystander here. A big, cuddly hydrant that got a little too close to this doggy.”

“He has Lewinsky-ed me,” Blue Bear said simply.

So how exactly was such a travesty allowed to come about?

“I think I gave him a little too much free willy time,” Daddy, the boy’s father admitted. “But I feel bad—they barely even know one another.”

One father’s awkward gesture plus one baby’s inability to control his bodily functions equals a really bad day for Blue Bear. Daddy describes:

“Well, he kind of looked at me, then the next thing you know there was the tiniest little rainbow shooting across the bed. But just one color. It was really rather beautiful in its own way.”

Unless you happened to be Blue Bear, just minding your own business. Or PETSA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals), who take such matters very seriously.

“We take such matters very seriously,” John Rudaker, president of PETSA said. “We haven’t seen such degradation of an S.A. since the Palmer case back in ’93. And I think we all remember that one.”

No, we don’t.

“Stuffed animals have just as many rights as real animals,” Rudaker continued, though he declined to elaborate. “We intend to prosecute Bub to the full extent of the law.”

There are currently no laws protecting stuffed animals, unless you count taxidermy. Which we don’t.

But strong empty threats nonetheless. Asked what he thought about PETSA, Daddy said:

“Sounds delicious.”

When asked if there was any hope of reconciliation between the two, Bub said: "It was an accident is all. Just a really, really good shot. Sorry, buddy."

"I'm green now, buddy," Blue Bear said. 

Sounds like somebody needs a pee-stained hug.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Baby Suckerpunched by Floor, Swears Vengeance

A Chicago baby “blindsided” by a hardwood floor in his apartment publicly vowed to avenge the unprovoked act of aggression.

“It just came out of nowhere,” the baby, known as Bub, said. “Hit me right in the back of the head like a two by four.”

Actually, it was a two by four. As is the norm in many Chicago apartments, the floors of his abode are finished hardwood, a result of the Great Carpet Shortage of the 1930s.

Police had no problems tracking down the suspect, who was still nailed to the floor of the apartment.

“Hiding in plain sight, seen it a million times,” Officer Davis noted. “Backfired big time in this case.”

Police questioned the suspect for about an hour at the scene.

“Didn’t give us much,” Davis said. “Nothing, actually. What can you do? Fucking Miranda rights.”

Police do, however, suspect he may have had accomplices.

“Are you kidding me?” Davis said. “You ever seen a two by four work alone? Nope, always in splinter cells. Tougher to nail down that way.”


The boy’s father, Daddy, was the only witness to the alleged crime, though he is regarded as highly unreliable in general. He has also agreed to testify for the defense.

“The kid just fell over!” he said. “He was sitting there, got a little too exuberant with his rattle, and fell backwards. Cried like a little baby, too, I might add.”

Well, he is a baby, and an angry baby after hearing Daddy’s version of the events.

“Yeah, hey, sure, that’s a likely story,” Bub responded. “By the way, there’s this really cool new invention called carpet, cheap-ass.”

Police released the suspect after Bub failed to pick him out of a lineup of other two by fours.

“He hit me from behind!” Bub screamed.

In the end, all charges were dropped, though Bub has threatened vigilante justice.

“This isn’t over,” he said. “Remember that time you were chopped down? A day at the beach compared to what I have planned for you. I’m going to make a bow and arrow out of you, and then shoot you with yourself!”

The suspect had no comment, as it’s still a piece of fucking wood.