Monday, January 30, 2012

Baby Notches Meaningless First Kiss With Older Playground Vixen


A young Chicago lad was learned in both love and loss over the course of a few hot minutes on a chilly January afternoon.

“It was magical,” Bub, the boy, said of the incident.

According to eyewitnesses, an older girl approached him on the playground as he balanced himself next to what local parents call “the big choo-choo,” despite its diminutive stature.

“She just walked right over with this glare in her eye,” Bub said. “I naturally assumed that she aimed to pummel me and take my pet leaf. But then I realized this was a different look. This was even scarier.”

From his father (Daddy)’s, first-hand account, the girl positioned herself inside the choo-choo, reached her hand through the window and smacked Bub in the head several times.

“Wouldn’t be my first choice of foreplay,” Daddy said. “But hey, beggars can’t be choosers.”

The girl then allegedly leaned over and planted a big wet one on the lad.

“We made out for like two hours,” Bub said. “She totally ravished me. It was amazing.”

“It was disgusting,” Daddy said. “Her lips were at least two inches apart; she left a nice sheen of spitsmear on his cheek. Then she punched him in the head again and walked away. I don’t think it’s gonna last.”

“It was pretty much love at first sight,” Bub said. “We found ourselves merely pawns in a game of raw animal magnetism.”

“Are you kidding me? He’s like a goldfish,” Daddy said. “Ten bucks says he won’t remember her tomorrow.”

Asked about the girl’s name, age and physical description, Bub said he couldn’t exactly recall, but that their love “transcended such mundane details of the material world.” 

They say you never forget your first kiss, but what about in cases where the 16 month-old protagonist won’t remember it anyway? Would he not forget in this case? Or would one by definition have to be able to remember to in turn forget?

“Forget what?” Bub said.

Editor’s Note:  Please write Daddy a check for $10.