Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Swiper the Fox Announces Retirement

Swiper the Fox, Dora the Explorer’s scheming nemesis, has announced his retirement suddenly, citing “irreconcilable apathy.”

“I just don’t have it in me anymore,” a downtrodden Swiper said, reading a prepared statement. “I’ve lost any desire I ever had to swipe. Imagine a ball that doesn’t want to bounce anymore. I am that ball.”

We caught up with him sipping a 40 of King Cobra and asked what his motivation for swiping all those useless trinkets was in the first place.

“I mean, my name is Swiper,” he hiccuped. Then he clarified, “Duhhh.”

Swiper’s announcement comes on the heels of yet another failed swiping, bringing his career record to 0-568. On this particular occasion, he attempted to nab a bent tire rim from Dora and Boots, but was thwarted with the all-too-familiar refrain “Swiper, no swiping!”

“That shit is like kryptonite, yo!” he said.

Faced with that crusher, Swiper snapped his fingers for the last time; critics say even his trademark ‘Oh, maaaaaaaaan!’ was limp.

“It really felt like he was just phoning it in,” said Map afterwards. “Even his snap was, how shall I say this…like a dying goldfish flopping on a wad of Silly Putty. Say it with me—snap, goldfish, Silly Putty. Snap, goldfish, Silly Putty. Snap, goldfish, Silly Putty.”

Through her agent, Dora issued the following statement in Spanglish: “Explorers todo el mundo lost an explorer my bueno today. Swiper will be missed by de todos nosotros.”

Well, not quite all, it seems. Backpack had feuded for years behind the scenes with Swiper, ever since Swiper allegedly got drunk and attempted to swipe it.

“Good riddance,” Backpack said. “I mean, yes, the creep tried to swipe me. You don’t get over that. 

“But personal issues aside, let’s be honest—the guy just sucked at his job. Even on the rare occasions he did manage to swipe something, he just tossed it aside for us to find later. I don’t think that counts.”

“Yeah, when you view it from a certain perspective, he was about as useless as a NASCAR sidewalk,” Boots added. “Nice dude, just totally and continuously inept at his craft. Kind of like Rick Astley.”

Despite the personal digs and the epic failure that amounted to his career, Swiper says he wouldn’t have done it any other way. 

“Hey man, haters can hate, but I was a bandit for a living, bitches!” Swiper said, dribbling malt liquor down his whiskers. “Can you say that? Nope, me and motherfuckin’ Burt Reynolds!”

His abrupt retirement put producers on the hotseat to introduce a new Darth to their little Luke. A spokesperson wanted to assure fans that Swiper will be replaced:

“We’ve been auditioning some really great talent today: Grabber the Opossum, Nabber the Mouse. I just had a read-through with Filcher the Cat. So you see, while Swiper was certainly an original, he’s not irreplaceable.”

Asked if there was anything else he wanted to add, Swiper said, “Yeah, I just want to say big ups to all my fans out there for the love and support. No love, no glove, if you know what I mean. Peace. I’m out.”

He was apparently referencing an eBay auction for ‘Swiper’s Official Awesome Swiping Gloves—Autographed!!!’ With just over two days left, the current bid was $2.75, though the reserve price had not yet been met.